Here I am, lost and hopeless, I should be studying for the exam I have in the morning for the chem class I am going to fail. It sucks because of this one class I am set back again.
First, it was BU I wasn’t focused, I was home sick, I wanted the college experience (party, drugs, and friends) all I got was kicked out. To then come to MXC and become rejected to the one program I was hoping to get into, to currently failing my chem class that will just set me back another yr from applying to the nursing program. I knew the medical field wasn’t for me, and idk if this is a sign to change career paths or just a lack of motivation that I am trying to pin on something or someone.
I hate feeling stupid, I hate that I have been struggling to balance myself, my life, my mind. I am no good for no one and nothing. I’ve been smoking pot a lot, I’ve actually looked forward to drinking, and being alone is the most comforting of all. My life was suppose to be trips to Paris, fancy clothes, creative minds, nightlife, poetic boyfriends, music, laughter and how much I’ve seen and done by 21. Yet I am here, in joggers searching for options, a miracle, crushing on a man who will never love me, being fat, freezing cold Chicago, indebted and broke, unmotivated, looking forward to the moments where I won’t be sober.
I cannot cope with this feeling, this heavy feeling, this pressure. I cannot breath, I cannot live. I am tremendously sad. No tomorrow will bring me new faith, no sun will brighten my day. I have failed, I am a loser. I have nothing, I am nothing.
I am not happy.
Dude is whatever, but like, I have an immense crush on him. I’m so awkward I have no chance. Y to top it off tiene novia que ni lo pela, or maybe idk, that’s info from my sources. I swear I try not to be nosy, facts just come to me and I gain knowledge. Well, at least I was able to have some sort of communication with the guy, so maybe I can grow on him or something and he’ll realize I am super awesome and that my awkwardness, flaws, and truths are genuinely sincere and endearing. Fall in love. And just watch indie films, write love letters, and smoke weed with me while we listen to underground hip-hop about how women are God’s gift to earth. I want to praise you as you nurture my existance, giving each other life. We can gaze at each other as I stroke your hand, tracing nonsense on your palms. The most intimate part of touch, where you interlock your fingers in mine, making us “we”.
I give him more attention than his gf, I wouldn’t blame a nigga for leaving her to be with me. A relationship is a two way street, you give and take simultaneously, how are you supoose to have a functional & nurturing relationship with no affection and love to manifest yourself in…
Idk if my head is in the clouds on this one. And I’ve wanted many men before and if I don’t end up with him. He was a blessing, to show me that there are men worthy and appreciative of a woman.
I want you.
He needs to message me and tell me he loves me unconditionally, ugh I already called him the love of my life. Mi viejo. And if nothing ever happens, I will always have these soft memories of him being the most handsome, humble, and beautiful man I could ever lay my eyes upon. No one like him, no one ever. He is one of kind, and I emphasize that. His words so kind, his mind so intriguing. I can thank God so many times for creating such a man, such a beautiful soul.
I know I should stop desperately hoping and praying that you’ll leave her because you realize I am not better nor cuter than her but meant for you in every way. Lovers that keep each other blossoming, loving and exploring.
But you seem so far, out of sight, untangable. Because your heart is with her, and nothing I do will be enough. These perverse thoughts keep me hopeful.
I am pathetic, hurt, saddened, unlucky. Not yours. No ones.
Winged leather brown boots, with golden beige socks for warmth,
the high-waisted zippered leggings I racked
all black sophisticated baby
the turban, forest green
my favorite color
the curls in my hair
I dressed for you. Para ti.
…he hasn’t liked any of my posts. It feels like an eternity, my photos are for your enjoyment, your smile, your appeal.