Because I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want to be a bother to you. I don’t want to be labeled as needy. At the end of the day I don’t want you to talk shit about me. I rather be distant and isolate myself than force my presence on you. My feelings run on your interaction and when you avoid me I hurt because I am probably doing something wrong. And I really want this situation to work, you and I but it’s either all or nothing. You keep me in this gray area I don’t comprehend. I stay here because I hope that you’ll come around and reciprocate the feelings I’ve had for you when we first met. Understand the potential in us. But I won’t be here waiting forever, I am a romantic but I am not a pendeja.
Yo no te voy a dar todo de me cuando tu ni me das niguna mirada.
I talked about you , I talked about how you make me feel. I told Sam how much of an influence you’ve had on me.
I try to be as patient and loving as I can. Sometimes I need my silence and sanity to reconnect with myself. I need to be loved and nurtured. I always feel like no one cares about me, no one stops to ask if I am okay. People just want me to listen listen listen, but I’ve had it…I can’t be your shoulder to lean on when I can’t count on you to reciprocate the support. I love so hard that I never want to disappoint, but at the end of the day. I am not happy.
Ever since Barbudo and Lonely Boy stopped contacting me, I’ve been a mess. My concentration is non existent, every other moment is me sulking in my own sadness that my love life is flat lined.
Most surprisingly is that I contacted LB and set a “hangout” with him, he hasn’t kept much contact…so I don’t know how he feels about me and this whole reconciliation thing I am trying to achieve. For some reason he’s just been on my mind and in all romantic scenarios and idk how to control myself or even understand what my feelings are towards him,
In all honesty, I think about the intimate moments. The way he’d explore me like foreign land, gently stroking my skin against his, sharing warmth and soft panting. This is my intention, ultimately.
B still interacts with me, for me its one of those forbidden truths that I feel so strongly about however I know in all reality I don’t stand a chance for him to ever reciprocate romantic feelings for me. And it’s some type of self served sickness that I conquered; to see girls and know that those are his type and those girls are the ones that hold his heart. A stimulation I cannot offer.
I’ve tried so hard to make myself believe that I am worthy and that I am fine. It’s that effect of telling myself over and over until I believe it myself that I’ve been trying to achieve. But easily I drown myself in the loss of a boy, moving on has become easier. Rejection has become almost expected.